He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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