So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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