Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
