So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
