You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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