I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
