I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize