I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
