I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
