Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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