Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
