She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
