I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
