I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
