My underwear smells like fireworks.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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