Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
