Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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