12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
