I accidentally had phone sex last night
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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