i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
