I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
