I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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