The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
