i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
