I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
