seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize