my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
