just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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