Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
last night I used snow as a chaser
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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