you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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