Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
