I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
