The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
