If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize