Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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