Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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