Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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