Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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