That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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