Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
