she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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