took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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