bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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