Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize