you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I forget how to act sober
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
