you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
