I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
