2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
