I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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