i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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