So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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