i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
