New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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