peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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