my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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