My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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