Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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