eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
